How To Say Yes, Safely, To Social Media

I will start by saying there is no safe way to yes before 13. I have not found a way to make it safe so I can’t recommend it.

But, if your child has reached an age where they are technically allowed to download a social media app AND and you think it's time to allow it, here is how to do it.

Seven Critical Messages For Kids:

Start by laying out your key points:

1. I am saying yes but I do not take this decision lightly and neither should you.

2. The dangers are real. You may not be able to fathom the dangers or think they won’t happen to you but they really do happen to kids just like you. The number of fentanyl overdoses and teen suicides because of sextortion are significant. (list of sobering stats in last week’s article here).

3. My greatest worries and concerns are not because I don’t trust you—it's the virtual world I don’t trust. This world was made for adults so for you to be in it, as a child, is risky.

4. There are rules that you are will be required to follow in order to get and keep access to this this app.  The goal will be for you to manage all this on your own, eventually, but not today.

5. Access to this app is a privilege not a right, just like your phone. If you can’t use this app responsibly and follow the rules, there will be consequences. 

6. If you mess up, I will help you. Please come to me if there is a problem. Your safety is more important to me than any punishment. 

7. I love you

How to say yes (13+ Only)

Parent Readiness

Parents need to be able to say yes to the following before saying yes to social media for their child.

• Do you understand how the app in question works?

• Are you willing to set up all available parental controls?

• Do you understand that the controls alone are not enough to make social media safe?

• Are you prepared to be actively involved in managing and monitoring what’s going on in this app to ensure safety?

The Rules

Take a deep breath (this list is long), and then share this list with your child.

Access to social media is a privilege not a right, just like your phone. Access depends upon you following these rules:

1. You must friend me on this app

2. You must accept supervision / Parental controls for this app

3. You must not disable the parental controls*

   *NOTE: parental controls can be disabled by a teen on Snapchat, Instagram and YouTube. You will get a notification if they do this, but they can do this.

4. You must not create additional/secret/fake accounts

5. We will agree to and set up daily time limits which you will honor

6. We will agree to and manage your notifications so this app does not distract you when you should be focusing or sleeping

7. You will give me your password and accept that I will spot check friends and messages

8. You will not delete messages

9. You will not change your password or otherwise try to block my access to your app

10. You will not sneak extra time through a browser

11. You will not engage in inappropriate behavior. This includes but is not limited to sending or storing inappropriate pictures or messages, being mean to others

12. You will not friend or message strangers, you must know a person IRL to friend them

13. For SNAPCHAT: Message Settings will be changed so that they don’t disappear right away– they stay for 24 hours (the max). Do not change this without my permission

14. For SNAPCHAT: Turn off SnapMap Location Sharing. Do not turn this on without my permission 

15. For SNAPCHAT: Do not store photos in My Eyes Only

16. If these conditions are not met, there will be consequences.

Consequences & Enforcement

• The consequences should be harsh– you might consider taking the app or the phone away for a certain amount of time. And yes, this may also make your life uncomfortable.  If your child continues to break rules you will need to consider a phone with less access–ie a parent managed phone that does not allow social media or internet access.

• You must be prepared to check often and enforce consistently. Allowing social media is very time consuming.

• PRO TIP: If you have to take the phone or app away, be sure to change the app password so your child doesn’t log in elsewhere (like on a browser or a friend’s phone) or allow a friend to log in for them (shout to my friend Jess for that tip!)

• Your child needs to understand and accept that you will be in their business. If they can’t handle this, then they can’t handle whatever app they are asking for.

More Resources

Read my parental control primers for Instagram and Snapchat.

Watch my On-demand course that details the safety gaps in Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok and YouTube.